My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face

Michael Ian Black

Language: English

Pages: 256

ISBN: 1439153531

Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub


Get ready for the read of your life. Never before has a single book combined awesome vans, unicorns, Billy Joel, and erotic fiction in such a potent combination. A writing tour de force? Perhaps. A reading experience that will sear itself into your consciousness like a red-hot branding iron? Without question.

Comedian and basic cable superstar Michael Ian Black unleashes the full fury of his astonishing intellect in this collection of short comic essays. My Custom Van is a no-holds-barred assault to the funny bone that will literally beat you into submission with hilarity*.

How did he do it? How did he create such a fine anthology? Answer: With love. Michael opened his heart and used the magical power of love to write more than fifty thought-provoking essays like, "Why I Used a Day-Glo Magic Marker to Color My Dick Yellow," and "An Open Letter to the Hair Stylist Who Somehow Convinced Me to Get a Perm When I Was in Sixth Grade."

Maybe you think love is not a substitute for "good writing skills" and "spell check." Bull pucky! When it comes to writing books, love is the most powerful word processor of all.

Sounds pretty great, right? And yet...something is still holding you back from paying the full purchase price of this book. What is it? Perhaps you secretly believe you do not deserve a book this good. Nonsense -- you deserve this book and so much more. In fact, if Michael could have written you all the stars in the sky, that's what he would have done. But he couldn't do that, due to his lack of knowledge in the area of astronomy. So he wrote this book instead.

And this flap copy.

Enjoy.

* Michael Ian Black is not responsible for any actual injuries caused by reading this book.

Collected Prose

The Opposite of Loneliness: Essays and Stories

The Fame Lunches: On Wounded Icons, Money, Sex, the Brontës, and the Importance of Handbags

The Impossible Will Take a Little While: Perseverance and Hope in Troubled Times

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Michael Ian Black’s clever new book will, I hope, give all readers much gaiety and few hiccups. (If, by chance, the reader should contract hiccups, I find the best cure to be a shot of fresh apple cider vinegar applied through the nose.) The nation may have paid a dear price for her unity, but it is my hope that this book will do for our nation what no war ever could—create everlasting peace, joy, and love. Is that too much to ask for a book containing an essay entitled “Why I Used a Day-Glo

magic had a taste, it would be the sweet, slightly buttery taste of candy corn—as would rainbows, if they had a taste. Furthermore, to argue that it tastes like neither candy nor corn is beside the point. No candy tastes like what it’s supposed to represent. For example, there is a popular candy called Circus Peanuts, which is a candy representation of circus peanuts. For those of you who have never tried this particular candy, IT DOES NOT TASTE LIKE PEANUTS. When we want the taste of peanuts or

waitresses. 26. Get trademark on word “crantastic,” used to describe a particularly delicious cranberry. 27. Figure out a way to get legit handicap plates without becoming legitimately handicapped. 28. Give strangers more advice about how to raise their children. While I do not claim to be an expert in raising children, I do have some pretty strong opinions on the subject, developed over years of doing things exactly right. 29. Stop relying on my salt lick to get my daily allowance of salt.

thousand years of tradition and go blonde, the thought was incomprehensible. And so I tried to put it out of my mind. Tried and failed. I kept envisioning myself looking like that man in the mall. Carefree. Gaunt. Bleeding a little from a cut on the cheek. Blonde. I didn’t know what to do. I found myself congregating in places where blonde people hang out. Like Abercrombie & Fitch stores. I rented Robert Redford movies, even though I am against saving the environment. It was a very confusing

Most of you probably know that I had the sad honor of being president during that tragic time. As the nation ripped itself apart, I often found myself heavy of heart, and in need of good cheer. In those days we had no television, of course, and so I was forced to take my entertainment from the radio. This miraculous new invention gave our scarred country much merriment when we needed it most. Many nights, Mary Todd and I would gather our boys around the “talking box,” as we called it, and listen

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